What Most Destroys Relationships

In the Relationship Workshop Greg, Ron and I spoke of the need for sincerity as key to cultivating growth in relationships. I personally have failed many times in this in my relationships with others, but I seek to improve. I hope you will, through the biblical insight and actions shared in this article, and subsequent articles, join us in improving our sincerity in relationships.

GOD CULTIVATES RELATIONSHIP THROUGH DEMONSTRATION OF SINCERITY

"But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom 5:8)

God proved His sincerity to us by sacrificing his greatest treasure for us, His own Son. His amazing sacrifice not only paid the price for our sin, but won us to Him. He gave us a very convincing demonstration that our good and gain was His intention. He was seeking for us far more than He was seeking from us. He proved His sincerity.

"We love because God first loved us." (I Jn 4:19)

The more we understand what a great sacrifice He made for us, the less we doubt His love for us and thus the less we resist relationship with Him. That is the power of sincerity in relationships. You and I need that if we are going to cultivate growth in our relationships with others. We must seek opportunity to demonstrate our love sacrificially. The greater the sacrifice, the greater potential for sincerity proven.

Recently my wife was recovering from surgery, said to her sister, "I am really struggling with so much pain. It makes it so difficult to be patient. It is hard for Tim to know what I need to help. But He continues to try and is doing a great job at handling my grumpiness." I passed her test of sincerity by treating her with unconditional kindness in her need. Sadly, however, there have been many times sincerity has called for sacrifice in my relationships with her and others, and I have failed. It is at those times, I have been more interested in my good and gain than their good and gain.

God proved that He sincerely loved me by dying for me when He had the most to lose (His precious Son), and the least to gain (me - an active enemies, child of wrath by nature - Eph 2:2-3). God has indeed passed the sincerity test of all of us who are now in relationship with Him as their Savior, Lord, and friend. He has proven that His intentions toward us can be trusted (Eph 1:5). Trust of intentions is key in cultivating growth in relationship, that is why sincerity of love is the essential quality for growth in relationships. God has demonstrated this key to relationships supremely in the gospel.

"He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?" (Rom 8:32)

COVETOUSNESS IN THE HEART MAKES US CONDITIONAL IN OUR LOVE

If sincerity of love is that which most cultivates growth in relationship, then, as shared in the Relationship Workshop, the sin of covetousness is that which most cultivates the destruction of growth in relationships. Covetousness in the heart makes us conditional in our relationships. Covetousness says, "I want something from this relationship so bad I cannot remain unconditionally patient and genuinely kind unless I get it from you. When you withhold or threaten to interfere with that which I covet, I will withdraw my kindness from you or vent my fury on you."

Covetousness makes me "needy" in relationships, because it says, much like Rachel in the Old Testament, "Give me children or I die!" (She was coveting after a baby because Leah her sister had already bore Jacob children and she could not. Indeed we see that covetousness makes demands on relationships.) We each have a list of things that our covetousness can and has caused us to feel that we need from others. And consequentially, when we don't get from them we will die in our love for them. Indeed some of us have already let covetousness kill love for a person. The truth is that if I need you or need something from you, I really am incapable of loving you - for love is giving not getting (Acts 20:35). When we give to others out of covetousness we are saying, "I give to you because I covet and feel I need something from you, not because I care about you as a person - your good and gain is of secondary importance to my own."

If we would be sincere than no relationship in our life must create our joy, but must only contribute to it. If what people do for us is the basis of our joy in life then covetousness has made idols out of relationships. God didn't send His Son into the world because He needed us, but more so because we needed Him. Our response of faith and love in return does indeed greatly increase His joy, but it did not create it (John 17:5). Our joy will be found, first and foremost, in cultivating gratitude over what Christ has given us in relationship with Him and cultivating obedience in what Christ instructs us to do in relationships with others.

If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full. (John 15:10-11)

RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD INCREASE OUR JOY BUT NOT CREATE IT

I must have a source of satisfaction and contentment outside of my relationships, if I am going to possess a foundation of sincerity within my relationships. I must already possess a foundation for happiness and contentment outside of what others can give me. For the Christian, that is to be relationship with Christ. In the next article I will address how to develop this foundation for joy outside relationship with others. I will address one of the major anecdotes to covetousness-- expel covetousness through gratefulness as per Ephesians 5:3-5.

But as we end for now, let me encourage you to do the following two things if you are serious about growing in God-like sincerity:

1) Spend about an hour evaluating your relationships to others - especially with your "closest" neighbors (you can break it up into two segments). Seek to list several ways you have failed to show sincerity in a relationship by failing to show sacrifice consistently. Do this especially for the more difficult relationship in your life, where it is most difficult to remain sincere in love. Give specifics as you write this down as to what you did not do that you should have, not just generalities. Don't just look for the big failures to sacrifice, look for the small things as well. We need to see in detail how we are falling short if we are going to see in detail how to make changes. Pray as you do this for God to open your eyes so that you can share more fully in the glory of His sincerity. It is so easy to see in high definition how others are failing to be sincere and to sacrifice for us , but it is far more beneficial to us to see where we are failing the proof of sincerity with others that we may be convicted and make changes. The development of sincerity in you is the greatest obstacle to your joy and God's glory in your relationships. You and I need to learn to be grateful givers of what God has given us. We will speak more about this next time. But for now, make this list.

2) Fill out a reading report for the above article that you may more absorb, remember and apply what you have learned? You can print this out for yourself at the following link: Reading Report Assignment Link.

May our Lord give you insight as you consider the things that have been shared (2 Tim 2:7).

The Relationship workshop is for singles, married, separated, co-workers, church community, and parents who are ready to biblically revolutionize their impact on all the relationships of their life through increasing in sincerity. The entire counseling staff of the Lowcountry Biblical Counseling Center, in just four sessions, will equip you with the best tools and insights they have developed through years of counseling to positively change the heart and the dynamics of ALL your relationships.